When I first moved to Germany, I was very lonely. Yes, I had my fiancé, but I had moved to a new city in a new country, nowhere near any friends or family. The culture shock was rough, learning a third language was rough. I remember sitting in a pub one night with my husband and some of his childhood friends. After some initial greetings, no one talked to me all night. I sat there at the table becoming ever more stone-like, while inside I was sinking into a mess of despair and self-pity. I could speak only a little German back then, I couldn't follow the conversation and no one was brave enough to try speaking English with me (Germans tend to be very humble about their English speaking skills and are often shy to use it, though most can speak well or at least enough to have a conversation). Perhaps they thought I didn't like them or was some kind of snob (I was actually told this by a few people in my early days in Germany). It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I just COULDN'T SPEAK GERMAN! Some judged me as being too quiet/reserved/boring. This was a very hard season of my life. As anyone who has moved to a place where they don't (yet) speak the language will tell you, it feels like you have lost your personality, your sense of who you are. Normally talkative and outgoing in social settings, for a year or so I was quiet, simply because I didn't have the words.
I had to find my personality again in this new culture and outwork it in my new language. Over that first difficult year and a half, I often got stuck in self-pity and depression. I felt that a lot of things weren't fair, that I had given up everything while my husband had to give up, seemingly, nothing. I couldn't see how the dreams I had had for my life would ever be realised and felt like I had forsaken my calling. I was working a job I did not enjoy, and we were on a shoestring budget while old friends back in Canada were going on with their careers and buying their first homes in their mid-20s. (In Germany, families often rent their whole lives or only buy a home in their late 30s or older.) I was sure of my husband, but not of anything else. I had to learn that it was up to me to choose to guard my thoughts, to choose not to compare myself with others, to choose to stop thoughts like "It's not fair!" Nope, it wasn't "fair," but I chose this life, I love my husband and for better or for worse, I knew that for a season at least I was in Germany. I could choose to plant myself in the present, put down roots where I was without knowing how long we would live in Konstanz, rather than wishing I was somehwere else. For my own mental health, for my marriage, I had to choose life and joy and freedom.
Living in Germany has taught me, an introvert at heart, to get over myself and some of my fears, to do things I naturally wouldn't. (Still working on my hatred of talking on the phone...I heart you email & Whatsapp!) During my first year here, I was often annoyed that locals did not initiate conversations with me at church or in other social settings (that storm cloud look in my eye probably didn't shout out a welcoming come on over!) I thought, hey, I am the foreigner here, they should be coming to me, they should be asking me how I am doing and offering to help me.
German culture is just not (generally) as open and outgoing as in North America. People do not often talk to strangers in the street or in shops or playgrounds, they tend to be more guarded and contained. (Except if you break a rule like jaywalking, or not having a light on your bike. Then people feel at ease to give you a piece of their mind, especially the +60 generation. I came home in tears several times that first year after being yelled at by a stranger, often for doing something I didn't know was wrong, and we honestly had no money to fix that bike light!) Germans are lovely, warm, generous people when you get to know them, but it usually takes some time for them to open up or to call you a friend.
After some time, I realized I would have to make the first move if I wanted friends. With all of my mom friends, even some friends from our church, which is a very open and friendly environment, I can remember clearly making the first move. When I read Emily's post on meeting mom friends in your city, I was reminded of how I met one of my current closest friends at the kids' wading pool in a large local park. It was two years ago, when our son was 11 months old and wanting to practise walking around holding our fingers all the time. I noticed among the busy crowd of kids and parents another baby at the exact same developmental stage as my son, and his beautiful Asian mom. She just LOOKED like my kind of girl. (You know how you are just "attracted" to your friends and sense you will click with someone?) So I strategically led my toddling son over closer to them and struck up conversation (probably something like "Is he almost one too?" or "Oh he's cute" or "My son does that too..."). Turns out her baby he was a she, but I didn't let that embarassing slip daunt me and persevered. She and her German husband had just moved into our neighbourhood from China and were very open for new friendships. Our husbands and kids also hit it off and they are some of our best friends now.
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| A quiet morning at the wading pool, June 2012 |
God's grace and learning to control my thought-life totally turned my life around in Germany. Now it is home. We love our city, we have a large social network and good friends. Interesting studies and career opportunities fell in my lap and my husband got a much sought after position teaching at a local school after he finished his studies. We have been so blessed. I still have to be very intentional about making new friends and maintaining my friendships. In the busyness of life, and with the natural hermit tendancies that I have, it is easy to not call, not hang out, not have meaningful friendships. Especially in winter, I find it easy to stay home, sit and wait for someone else to call me, to invite me over. This still does not happen as much as I would like and I can either wallow in self-pity, complain about always having to make the first move... or, for the sake of my sanity and friendships I can get over myself and choose to reach out to that other friend. We're both always glad I did.
Tell me, do you feel like you always have to make the first move? I hate it too (introverts unite!), but if you are feeling lonely or frustrated in your friendships, I encourage you to try it. Germans, want to weigh in on how I have represented your culture?
