After a decade in Europe, 9 of those years in this city in Germany, we're packing up our two kids, a few suitcases and our lives and moving back to Quebec. My heart has always been there, he knew that when he married me. And we finally sensed it was time. That there is a small fishing boat leaving the shore and we are to step into it. We're both on board with this, with our whole hearts.
Most of the time.
Then, there are those moments while cooking dinner when I think how much easier it would be to just stay here. To keep my husband's secure job (which he loves) and our friends and our stuff and our life. There are moments of doubt. Moments when I am afraid. When I don't want to take my son away from his little friends and church community and all he knows (but will, after all, quickly forget at his age). When I want the clothes and nice furniture and a vacation and career advancement. The idols in my life of comfort and security loom large and it can be hard to throw them away. We like safety. We all prefer the known over the unknown. There are times like these, I won't lie.
We'd talked about it back when we met, and that first year and a half were so hard for me in Germany. Then came a time when I knew that Germany was where we needed to be, and for a few years my thoughts didn't even go to Quebec much. I knew I needed to put down roots here and live fully where I was in that moment. That if God wanted me there, he would bring it about in his timing, in his way.
Deliberating over the last year or so about whether or not we would go on this journey was exciting. Adventure! Faith! Brave dreams! Step out in trust!
But now that the boat is leaving the shore this ride is starting to feel a little bit choppy. This dory is looking rickety, and I hear some creaking and is that a bit of water seeping through a crack I see?
When my daughter wakes me in the wee hours, I remain awake even after she has gone back to sleep. I wrestle it out with the Author of our story, for hours. In the morning I journal and find peace. I smile at my phone when I see the verse of the day on the screen:
"My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you."
I am reminded again that I really want his plans. That I really want the trust, the faith and the bold dreams. That his ways are always better, not always easier. I am thankful I get to be a part of his adventure. The wind is picking up and we're sensing that some of our plans and priorities might be shaken up, but after a few days' wrestling we're ready to be shaken. We're sensing that our rickety dory's going under.
That we might actually have to do what we said yes to and step out onto the water.
